Happy Friday!

You might remember how a few weeks before I left for Europe, I was told that I'd be laid off from my full-time. Well luckily for me (though it'd been such a pain for months before), I'd been working 52 hours a week due to my second job covering music and celebrity news for BET.com. So when I mentioned that I'd be leaving my day job, I just took up more hours with them. This week, I started my new schedule and I can't complain. Aside from my original night shifts twice a week, I'm also producing content for the site's lifestyle section Monday through Fridays 9 a.m. to 1 p.m. This leaves my afternoons free to wander around the city, pursue my other projects, relax, or celebrate the weekend a little early like I did today.

I've only just started this new routine so I still need to get better organized and schedule in exercise, creativity, and other freelance work. One thing's for sure though, I now have more energy to share things with you and finally upgrading to a MacBook Pro has made researching and writing so much easier! Next week, a roundup of where we stayed during our travels, the one European item I just needed to have, a chat with an author/creative force behind a popular stationery company, and sounding off on a first date issue.

Have an amazing weekend my little monkeybutts. If the rain holds off tomorrow, A., a couple friends, and I will be heading to Six Flags!



A sweet stop-motion Spanish music video by sibs Jesse & Joy and here's how they made it. (via Lola's Cookies)

Build your own strand of lighted balls at this colorful shop in Paris. (I popped in, too!)

Cheap, community-driven classes courtesy of the Brooklyn Brainery. (via Swissmiss)

Would you ever try these galaxy nails?

Draw a Stickman makes your wack drawings come to life.

I'm finding these cinemagraphs mesmerizing. Here's more about these "still images that move."

Oral sex tips to use on him and her.

A simple way to make pretty paper tassels.

Stunning photos of emptiness and color.

It's obviously not the same as being there, but Arounder lets you take virtual tours of cities around the world. Visit Barcelona, New York, or Shanghai from your chair while I use it to remember the places we visited this month and see where I should go next.

P.S. Have you heard of Occupy Wall Street? It's a NYC movement that's gone on for two weeks now to protest the greed running through the financial district. A. and I went to check it out on a whim today and ended up participating for nearly four hours and marching against police brutality. I'm in awe of those activists who fight tirelessly for changes every chance they get because good God we got home tired, thirsty and damn near deaf from all that yelling!

A Chat With: The Notebook Doodles

I've been following The Notebook Doodles for quite a bit now and just had to share for those who haven't stumbled upon it yet. My own notebooks are often filled with scribbles and drawings all along the margins, but this anonymous 20-something doodler takes to Moleskin notebooks with such handwritten artistic flair, it'll probably make your own penmanship look like unrefined chicken scratch. In her collection you'll find scans of notebook collages with quotes, thoughts, and lists paired with torn images, photos, and illustrations. I also love that although she might make some finishing touches on the computer, she's old-school like me in that she starts the whole process with pen, paper, and an idea.

Hi and thanks for chatting with us! My handwriting is pretty neat, but you've just turned yours into this pretty work of art. When did you start creating your notebook doodles?

I started in high school and I've since had a lot of time just learning and improving them as I go along.

How often do you draw and practice on a given week?

It really depends. I can't give a concrete answer because there are some days where I won't doodle at all and there are other days where all I do is doodle.

Tell me a little bit about the process after you get an idea. Do you do it all by hand or on the computer?

I do everything by hand first, with a pen and a notebook and then I'll scan it onto the computer. If I need to tweak anything, I'll do that on Photoshop and that's pretty much the process.

When you're not doodling in your notebook, how do you spend your time?

Drinking lots of coffee and with work obligations, but if I'm lucky, I'll be relaxing, watching my favorite TV shows, doodling, and sleeping.

I know that you can be commissioned for projects. What kinds of work can people hire you to do?

Anything doodle related. And that's a wide range of things from blog banners, posters, postcards, logos, invitations, note cards, and so on.

Right! I saw the posters you created for Enlighten Education that paired your photography with inspiring messages. Do you have any other things you'd like to create in the future or fun projects in store for your followers?

Well, I definitely would hope to keep on creating and whatever comes, we'll just have to see!

*****

If you want to carry around a tiny reminder of your wonderfulness, you can download all of the posters The Notebook Doodles created for Enlighten Education to use as free wallpaper for your phone. Just visit EnlightenEducation.com to choose your favorite one. Or rather ones because I can't decide between "I am free to be my authentic self" and "no matter what today brings." What about you?

Images: thenotebookdoodles.com

Ever Flowing

I just wanted to say thanks so much for all the kind words of support I've received via comments, emails, and messages. It's so sweet to know that there are people who care, from those who've known me my entire life and people whom I've yet to meet in person. You're all awesome.

It's weird, but in talking with friends over the last couple days and being asked what it is that's making me feel this way, I've realized that I don't even know anymore. Insecurities and resentments perhaps? (Though the girls seem to think women are just hard-wired for the dramatics.) Lord knows. Over the last couple of years things seem to have improved so much on the outside, but inside I had just set things on simmer, sometimes acting as if everything was okay so I wouldn't have to deal with stuff. Fake it 'til you make it so to speak. So obviously when a little spark sends everything to a boil, I can't suppress these feelings anymore. I think I justified those moments with the fact that hey, at least the scales are tipped in the positive direction more often than not these days.

So here I am like I've been countless times before, contemplating and acting upon next steps. To those who've stood where I do, who have been successful, and who are still struggling through the mist, I admire you for not giving in. A good friend of mine shared a quote with me yesterday while we lunched under the trees of Bryant Park that I hope speaks to you as it did to me:

"You could not step twice into the same river; for other waters are ever flowing on to you." (Heraclitus)

Whenever you feel like you're back in the same spot you were before, look around you. While you were busy climbing, stumbling, and getting back up, everything was changing along with you. That spot you now find yourself in has been affected by the passage of time, the people who've entered or left your life, and by the bounty of experiences you've gathered in your arms along the way. Hopefully these changes translate into strength to push just a little further each time around.

Image: cinemagraphs.com

And Then You Realize You Never Changed At All

It was February 14, 2008 when Mr. First explained over the phone and through our tears that maybe it'd be best for me if we ended the relationship. That I needed to focus on myself for a while so I could feel better and find happiness - even if it meant alongside someone else someday. That it was tearing him apart that no matter how hard he tried, I just couldn't smile anymore. When the phone call ended, I felt like my whole world had just fallen to pieces beneath me. I wanted the bed to close in on me and swallow me whole, I couldn't sink deep enough into it.

Slowly but eventually the spinning stopped, I regained some sense of balance, and then I met A.

That night three years ago replayed in my head as I sat sobbing on A.'s floor at two in the morning, my mind slowly spiraling out of control. It was as if my boyfriends secretly get the same script upon meeting me, to read from once things inevitably get stormy.

"I don't know how else I can help you," he whispered in the dark. "I'd hoped you'd be the one, too."

Last night I not only cried out of pity and for the self-hatred that surges uncontrollably within me, but I also cried for A., for letting us fall in love when it feels like I'm still so far from being fine. I cried from the realization that no matter how much time has passed or how much distance is between the previous relationship and this one, at the end of the night, I'm still me, this same mess I've grown into. The floorboards were unforgiving as I doubled over, shaking my head, refusing to believe that I was here again. All these years and here again.

I might not be a child growing up under the ignorant wrath of tough love anymore, but even though I'm an adult, with a life all her own, and surrounded by people who love her, I still devalue and see myself as I did back then: jittery and paranoid, unsure and made overly sensitive from decades of intense emotions. One little criticism from someone who matters to me, someone for whom I have this need to please in order to feel worthy, and it creates a wound so sick it quickly metastasizes through my brain.

No one can know how it feels to be inside my head, but it tore my heart to see how I was slowly breaking his. I can't blame A. if he couldn't stick around as I fought through my self-destruction, I told him, but God how it hurt when I saw just how close to the edge we really were. All I could do was hold onto him with all I had, scared that if I let him go now he'd fly away, too. So we sat there on the floor, forehead-to-forehead, the room still too dark to see each other's eyes.

"I can't do this anymore," I told his silhouette. "I feel crazy. It hurts...I feel terrible."

We talked about the need for progress, turning to professional help again, and how I have to love myself more than I do now. When we ran out of words to say to each other, we went to bed, exhausted, and with my hand firmly grasping his.

"I need to know there's a light at the end of this tunnel," he said this morning. "I need you to stop hating yourself. I need you to stop hurting yourself. No excuses or falling because it's easy."

"I thought you were done last night..." I said.

"I thought so, too, but you're worth it so please tell me what it is I can do to help you. I want to believe that you can fight through this. I'm going to be wishing really, really hard."

Image: flickr.com

It's the Little Things That Make the Heart Swell

Little Things is a collection of simple moments, feelings and things that brighten up our days. We might think happiness is at the end of more money, a bigger apartment, better clothes, and honestly, they very well could be, but what if we can't get them right this minute? We might as well take note of all the other pleasures that already bring joy to our lives, fleeting as they may be, appreciate them and find ways to multiply their occurrences.

On my list:

wading through puddles and watching the cool water wash over warm rain boots * an unexpected check * doing something nice for someone and not telling anyone * a yawn so good it's followed by a sigh * crunchy fallen leaves * catching myself wave goodbye while on the phone * toothless baby smiles * old couples slowly walking down the street holding hands * peeing after holding it in for a long time * clear day, empty road, windows down, music up * mango sorbet * tip-toeing so A. can kiss my forehead * thoughtful blog comments * meeting a friend for food and getting so caught up in the convo, the waitress comes around three times before you finally get to ordering * being told "I like that name" after meeting me * closing my eyes and feeling the air gush past me when the train enters the station

What's on yours?

Image: justlittlethings.net