A Burner Birthday

This weekend, my Burning Man friends and I drove three hours upstate into the Catskill Mountains to celebrate a fellow burner's birthday. We arrived at

the 10-acre farm

rental Friday night and spent the rest of the evening exploring all the nooks and crannies throughout the main house and the massive barn (think creepy dolls, taxidermy collections, and loads of odds and ends). In between introductions with new arrivals, we warmed up by the campfire gazing up at the stars and later moved to the toasty fireplace in the living room where we curled up and shared stories. I wanted to adopt everyone I met as a new friend. And the two dear friends who whisked me away to that magical weekend, I silently adopted them as brothers.

Saturday morning we were finally able to see what exactly we had driven into. We saw the pastures, the cows, and the woods that extended beyond the creek running through the property. The trees were mostly bare, but the scenery was still so calm and beautiful – such a departure from the city. I spent the day munching on food and catnapping in corners in my kitty ears, tail, and my red riding hood cape because wearing those things sends me to my happy place. When a group of us took a walk through the woods, I felt like a storybook character climbing over fences, crouching underneath low branches, jumping on stones, and walking on giant fallen trees to cross the creek. Afterwards, I took to the open pastures and ran with my blazing red cape trailing behind me. I just ran and ran because space,

so

much space.

During the day, the kitchen was a busy spot with most of us whipping up meals and treats for our housemates. The birthday boy's boyfriend baked the most delicious pork ever...for six hours. You can imagine how dizzy we were from the smells coming out of that oven. As for my offering, I baked a four-layer raspberry chocolate cake. It was my tallest concoction yet and I was just thankful that a) there was enough chocolate frosting to cover the whole thing and b) the leaning tower of cake didn't lead to a disastrous ending.

Saturday night, we blew up the sky with fireworks, ran around the dark field with sparklers, and burned a giant wooden 31. After cake time, we headed into the "party barn" and danced under the strobe lights until late into the night. It wasn't until "Single Ladies" came on that I finally realized that I was the only single lady there. I felt so comfortable around the group that I hadn't even noticed that everyone else was coupled off or a gay guy. Still, that didn't stop the crew from joining me in trying to remember the steps to Bey's song and running up the barn walls.

Towards the end of my "night out," the birthday boy and I sat on a platform while we watched the rest continuing to dance in the dark. We talked about my growing up in New York City, how it felt to be in this place with such wonderful people, we talked about Burning Man, how difficult it was for me to miss it this year, my wondering if I'll ever return, and his theory on the "trick" behind Burning Man's success and why that same formula can work outside of the playa. He also didn't know some of the attendees until that very weekend, including me, but he knew that his friends would know who would be perfect to bring along to such an event.

He then smiled at me and said, "When I first saw you walking into this barn in your red coat, I said, 'I don't know who she is, but I

love

her.'"

Later on, he asked what I wish I were acknowledged for and I said, my ability to connect with others and my creativity. And he did, based off of the 24 hours we'd known each other.

When "

Genesis

," my favorite Grimes song, came on, I squealed, so delighted that someone else loved it as much as I do. But then this sudden pang hit me because it was a song A. had introduced me to and one I'd shared with him, letting him watch me dance all over our room to it. So, in my red cape and hood, I closed my eyes and danced in the dark, allowing myself to feel both sad for what's over and grateful for whatever has led me to this moment in a barn in the middle of nowhere. I've kept fearing that my wild and fun days are over simply because he was such a huge source of it – the trips, the parties, the people we'd met – but that night I realized that there are so many more wondrous moments to leap into and that I can be pulled towards them just as I am, without forcing anything or trying to be something else. I danced and danced in this mixture of happiness and pain, nothing but music in my head. I was going to be okay, I needed to trust that I could still lead myself to whatever I wanted to experience, and I was going to be cared about by so many. The stories and my adventures, they are so not over.

Images:

Shawn McGinniss

Adele is the Soundtrack of My Relationships

Over the course of my life, there have been few artists who have compelled me to buy every album they’ve released and have me listen to it in its entirety. I usually dabble in singles or enjoy a track I happened to catch on the radio or Shazzam’ed from a coffee shop. For every one song I like, there will be many more that would get the skip from me.

Enter Adele.

For the past seven years, she has been the only one who can string me along from beginning to end and back to the beginning on a never-ending loop. When I first saw the music video for “

Chasing Pavements

” off her debut album

19

, I couldn’t take my eyes off the screen. It was so haunting and her voice was absolute heaven. I couldn’t tire of it. That album saw me through my first breakup back in 2008. I spent so many evenings singing to those songs after lighting candles and settling into a hot bath, wondering when my heart would stop hurting and what I was headed towards next. Those moments in that candlelit bathroom were my tiny escapes, tears and all, and I found Adele to be the perfect soundtrack to that phase in my life.

With “

First Love

,” I thought of him and tried hard to let the relationship float away, but my hope and guilt refused to leave me. I was still so tied to “us.” After wanting to break things off so many times out of the fear that “all things would eventually end anyway,” I’d convinced him that it would not work out between us. And still, I was devastated.

Forgive me first love, but I'm tired

I need to get away to feel again

Try to understand why, don't get so close to change my mind

Please wipe that look out of your eyes, it's bribing me to doubt myself

Simply, it's tiring

“

Best for Last

” made me wish that he’d remember what we shared instead of settling into the arms of a new girl, the one he would eventually marry. I was unapologetic when I sang “

Melt My Heart to Stone

,” a song about creating a relationship in your head, stringing bits of promises and delusions to form something that means very little to the other person. Isn’t it so easy to make yourself see something that isn’t there when you want so badly for it to be real? Sometimes you need to float on that cloud for a bit until you're ready for it to gently bring you back to earth so you can stand on your own.

I hear your words you made up

I say your name like there should be an us

I best tidy up my head I'm the only one, in love

I'm the only one in love

By the time I met A., at the tail end of 2009, I was able to listen to “

Make You Feel My Love

” and not be pained by it. Without realizing it, I had finally started to move on. Hope for something nearly two years passed wasn’t necessary anymore.

Her second album,

21

, was released in 2011 and already my second relationship was rocky. We’d kiss and makeup more times than I could count and I found myself swirling deeper and deeper into this confusing mess in my head. One moment we were head-over-heels in passion and adventure and the next we couldn’t stand each other. I’d sing “

One and Only

” to him, envisioning us dancing to it on our wedding day some autumn in the distant future. When he’d ignore my calls after a fight, my mood would drift from a saddened “

Don’t You Remember

” to a defiant “

Take It All

.”

Didn't I give it all?

Tried my best

Gave you everything I had, everything and no less

Didn't I do it right? Did I let you down?

Maybe you got too used to having me 'round

Still how can you walk away

From all my tears

It's gonna be an empty road without me right here

But go on and take it, take it all with you

Don't look back at this crumbling fool

Just take it all with my love, take it all with my love

And then there was my song “

Set Fire to the Rain

,” which spoke to this growing fury inside me, the one that I tried so hard to contain until it just needed to be released. I found that lashing out the chorus had a sort of soothing effect on me…I just wanted to yell it out…

I set fire to the rain

And I threw us into the flames

Where I felt something die, 'cause I knew that

That was the last time, the last time

But it wasn’t the last time. It wasn’t going to be the last time for four more years. Something kept us together, trying over and over. Stubbornness, I used to say, but it had to have been deeper than that. We were invested in one another, we cared. The love was genuinely there, but as he’s said, “Sometimes love isn’t enough.”

And in the spring of 2015, A. stormed away.

Today, Adele released the first single and music video off her upcoming album,

25

. After being away for so long, it’s fitting that this first track is titled “

Hello

.”

In a post about her new album

, which will be released November 20, Adele explained that her latest creation is a rebirth of sorts. So many have commented on her amazing ability to wrap up a broken heart and release that pain through her vocals, but what would happen if she finally found and maintained her happiness? It seems she might have (the soulful singer gave birth to son Angelo in 2012 with her longtime boyfriend Simon Konecki), but perhaps “this is everything we need” - a beautiful reminder that we need to be gentle with ourselves regardless of who enters or leaves our lives.

“My last record was a break-up record and if I had to label this one I would call it a make-up record,” Adele wrote. “I’m making up with myself. Making up for lost time. Making up for everything I ever did and never did. But I haven’t got time to hold on to the crumbs of my past like I used to. What’s done is done.

“I made the decision to go into becoming who I’m going to be forever without a removal van full of my old junk. I miss everything about my past, the good and the bad, but only because it won’t come back,” she continued. “

25

is about getting to know who I’ve become without realising. And I’m sorry it took so long, but you know, life happened.”

In my attempts to please and make so much work, I tore myself apart and absorbed too much blame. I’m still learning how to piece things all together. I’m still in pain, I’m still reeling, but much less than months ago. Perhaps it’s because that “last time” still wasn’t the end of our chapter and after a summer of perhaps giving this more than it deserved, I’m finally closer to taking the training wheels off of this…break up. I've been here before, I know it'll get better eventually. Right now though, it still hurts too much to remember.

Images: e

n.wikipedia.org

,

en.wikipedia.org

, and

herald-review.com

Aaaaaaaah Topangaaa!!

Tonight A. and I are off to watch

The Lion King

on Broadway

! I got us 2-for-1 tickets during the

Broadway Week

promotion and am excited to finally see this show. Everyone I know who's seen it can't speak highly enough on the artistry, puppetry, and costumes so I cannot wait to experience it for myself. You know I'll be bopping around in my seat singing along. Hakuuuuna Matata!

Watch the cast below as

they serenade some unsuspecting commuters on the A train

in New York City. When this video came out this summer, my sister and I commented on how we ride this train All The Time and all we're treated to are panhandlers, preachers, breakdancing teens, and guitar players. Meanwhile, New York City still owes me a flashmob experience...

P.S. The actual lyrics to the "

Circle of Life

." Also,

the Australian cast singing on a flight

from Brisbane to Sydney earlier this year. Again, I'd take this over crying babies and barking dogs any day.

Alt-J, "Breezeblocks"

On Sunday evening, A. and I walked over to Central Park for Alt-J's concert at Rumsey Playfield. Now we didn't have tickets for the show, but were happy to lay in the grass just outside the open air venue and listen to the songs. I've only just been introduced to them, but "Matilda" and "Breezeblocks" are our favorites and it was nice to hear the band play them live (and watch A. quietly sing along).

I don't know if it's the sudden dip in the temperature or just the busy weekend that's left me starting this week off feeling super slow. I've been shuffling about all day wanting to keep warm and hide under the covers. So instead of continuing to rack my brain over what to tackle next, I'm going to tuck into bed early, listen to some music, and get another fresh start in the morning.

Ayla Nereo's "Feathered Bow"

A few days ago A. sent along a link to Ayla Nereo's "Feathered Bow" and I've simply fallen in love. The effortless quality behind the harmonies, the playful nature of the beat, how hope seems to weave its away through the song like a dream...it is beauty.

Today I'll be at the hospital for a CT scan, radiation planning, chats about drugs, and to finally hear what the oncologist has to say about chemo versus no chemo. I'll be holding onto these lyrics when what I'd really rather do is transform into liquid, into vapor, and flow out as fast and as far as I can from this corner, to leave behind all this heaviness.

And she sings:

"There was a flame, there was a flame, drawn deep within her chest, rest and rise, praying burned every moment. 

There was a spark, there was a spark, come from the same place, billions and billions of years ago, and she knows it. 

There was a while where it was wide, there was a wide waterfall down, water fall round her, only just born. 

There was a light, come from her eyes, there was a light, let it come in, choosing her sin every morning. Choosing to be saved, saving herself every morning... choosing her name, naming herself, every morning... And she sang, 'Don't unstring the arrow, I'm a feathered bow, I've got a long long ways to go still, long long ways to go…'"

Have a listen:



Image: aylanereo.com