Skinny Girl Diary: A Non-Relationship with Food

To me, food is just something that'll keep me from dying. There have been times when I've had an amazingly satisfying meal that makes me do my happy dance, but more often then not I just wish there were someway to throw food into my tummy without actually having to sit and eat. If I'm not too preoccupied with any number of things I need to get done, sometimes I'm just not hungry enough or motivated enough to stop for a meal. Clearly it's no way to sustain a healthy lifestyle.

I've never cultivated a healthy relationship with food. As a child, dinnertime was a stressful scenario in which I'd be forced to stay in my seat for hours until I cleared my plate, a huge mountain that even an adult would find challenging to get through. Cue the yelling and the tears, bribes, and stubborn cheeks full of food that would empty into paper towels as soon as I got the chance. To this day, I could be hungry and order apps and entrees only to lose my appetite as soon as it arrives.

Malnutrition and dehydration not only affects you on the inside, but also shows in your physical appearance. Over the last few months I've noticed that no matter what conditioners I use on my hair, I can't get my curls to look soft and healthy anymore. My face and lips are eternally dry and all the beauty products in the world won't seem to work because it all starts with the nutrients I put into my body - or lack thereof.

A couple weeks ago, I downloaded the MyFitnessPlan app onto my iPhone to keep track of my caloric intake each day because the funny thing is that the headaches and thirst aren't good indicators that I need more food and water. No, I need numbers and exact figures to tell me just how deficient I am. So when I saw that I was barely eating 900 calories a day, it was an alarm. At the very least that number should be 1,500 and so there I was wondering how I'm supposed to eat double the amount when it was already a struggle to eat as much (or little) as I currently was. The app has helped raise that number a bit as I've made a game of reaching my daily mark, but it's also made me realize how crazy it is that I have to put so much thought and effort into something many do naturally.

I've met with my doctor (who, gulp, recommended I gain 12 to 15 pounds) and will be seeing a nutritionist soon to map out a diet plan and learn how to eat properly. In the meantime, I've been making use of a gym membership to meet with a trainer to convert extra calories into lean muscle. It's been a long struggle for me, but seeing how my exterior is starting to look like how I've been feeling inside has been a wake-up call. It's never too late to get on a healthier path, right? Here's hoping a good habit finally sticks. I'd drink (water) to that.