{He Says/She Says} When Love Grows Up

Since moving in with A. and spending so much more time with one another, there have been all these new facets that I'm discovering. In the beginning I was worried that we'd become boring roommates and lose the sexiness, but over the last weeks I'm realizing that this feels…different. At some point in all this, the relationship matured. When I look at A., yeah, I see his flaws as I'm sure he notices mine, but it doesn't matter so much because the overarching thought that goes beyond all our disagreements and misunderstandings is this: we're a team and we make it work. I was never really told that this is what long-term love evolves into, but I can see how you could ride this for 45 years like A.'s parents have done.

{He says}

Most people go looking for that crazy, whirlwind, overwhelming love that takes you over and carries you to do silly things you'd never imagine. That's not how it happened with me and you. Our relationship was very deliberately fostered. We may have had our moments of temporary insanity, but they were less about getting carried away with each other and more about doing brash things for fun. We were rarely mistaken about who the other was and we refused to look past the flaws we saw in the other. Instead, we acknowledged our imperfections and sought to improve as individuals. It was a long and grueling process, but what we have as a result, I feel, is so much stronger than what people normally aim for.

I imagine someone visualizing what they'd like out of a partner and then rifling through a stable of candidates until they find someone who is close enough. If I had used this method, I would have never stopped at you. And you know that. But what we have, as a result, is stronger than what any momentary fling might seek to replace. You and I are both deep and complicated people, so it's taken years for us to get to know each other. We certainly know and appreciate each other more than we can see in other relationships.

For all the times I refused to let you run away. For all the times we changed to make the other person happy instead of clinging to our stubborn ideals. We're solid.

As long as we keep working.

{She says}

I remember you once told me that you could have ended up just as happy if you had met someone else that night. I thought that was such a unromantic thing to say then, but years later I sometimes look at you and think the same thing. I could very well spend my life searching for more, for better, for different. I could hold out for other options, expecting finer picks from another draw. But I don't want to.

There's this deep satisfaction that comes from working through life's difficulties with someone. He might not be perfect, but he's willing to grow with you. It's not settling either, it's accepting that this person you've come to care so much for is your partner in crime and at the end of each day, he'll be there to talk about his dreams and support you through yours. He's there to navigate your mood swings, complete your thoughts, and is unrelenting when it comes to your self-improvement. He admires you as you are and envisions the person you could be. You might not always adore each other and some nights you'd rather sleep on the couch than hear this person breathing next to you, but you know you have to make it work. After all we've put into this relationship, there's just no throwing in the towel.

Yes, the girly, lustful, infatuated side still exists and sometimes it's all I can do to not drown you with affection, but this other side feels more serious, practical. It's me looking at you and resolving to help you learn, grow, and be happy. It's me looking at you and thinking, Yeah, we're in this.

{He Says/She Says} On Valentine's Day

We all have our opinions on Valentine's Day. I myself flip flop between "it's a contrived excuse to spend money" and "Awww, but let's do something sweet!" Meanwhile, men are feeling the pressure to show their devotion in adequate fashion and re-woo their ladies. So I've pulled in my boyfriend A. to share his thoughts on the matter along with me for another installment of {He Says/She Says}. Feel free to chime in with your own!

{He says} Everybody knows Valentine's Day is a manufactured holiday to get people to buy crap and spend money they normally wouldn't, and to express feelings explicitly without real cause. They still "celebrate" it anyways and it sucks. It sucks for a number of reasons, but the main one I can think of is that even though we're supposed to be celebrating love between two people, the responsibility is all on the guy to show the woman how much he feels for her. The man is supposed to make the dinner plans. The man is supposed to buy her flowers. The man is expected to propose with the engagement ring that cost him a month's salary worth of useless minerals whose value is artificially inflated by market collusion.

Listen up, women. You fought for equality and I want you to have it. But that also means you have to do some work around here, too. Actually, I have a better idea. Forget having one day a year to celebrate your love - do it every day. Why spend money on command when you can work your celebration of love into everything you do? I have a notion that Valentine's Day causes more grief than pleasure; with all of the worry involved with single people acquiring a date and taken men scrambling to appear smitten as if he never learned how bad her farts could smell. It's sort of like how "pro-family" values split up more families than they hold together. If we stop trying to force it, we might find a peaceful and pleasurable equilibrium waiting for us.

{She says} Listen, I completely acknowledge the pressure men must feel on Valentine's Day. There are all these expectations and requests to make this the best day ever and if you let her down when all of her friends are getting flowers, jewelry, and boxes of dark chocolate, then you could be in for a bitter treat of your own when she comes home. I'm not going to lie; last year I was immediately surprised and just as quickly disappointed when a delivery girl walked up to my cubicle carrying a huge bouquet of flowers - only to ask where so-and-so sat.

When I was younger, this was just a lame holiday that made me feel bad for never having a boyfriend while pretending that I didn't care about all that mushiness anyway. But now? Now I don't think there's anything bad about having a day devoted to loving one another. If we remember what truly counts - not the lavish dinners, the shiny presents, or forced sentiments - then would it kill anyone to shower someone with a little more affection today? Yes, this should be a regular occurrence, but having a day for that purpose is just a nice bonus on top of what you should be doing the rest of the year.

Besides, after a few years with a person it's nice to get off the hamster wheel and find fun ways to express just how much the other person means to you - and this goes both ways. We do want to be wooed and fawned over, but we also know how to give it right back.

Oh, and baby? Please don't propose to me on a Valentine's Day, okay? Love you!

Image: downtownfrombehind.tumblr.com

{He Says/She Says} On Polyamorous Relationships

Before my current relationship I had no idea of all the different ways a partnership could take form. Sure, I'd heard about swinging and open relationships, about polygamy and how practically every guy yearns for threesomes, but those were all terms said in jest and without knowing what the differences were or all the variations that exist in between. Since dating A., I've not only learned and appreciated the different ways a loving relationship could exist, but also questioned my own traditional upbringing on what a relationship should look like.

A few friends of ours introduced me to the world of polyamory in which couples are free to fall in love with others and it's been interesting watching other's experiences with that lifestyle. Although A. and I have no interest in pursuing relationships with other people (one is quite enough for the both of us), we openly talk about our thoughts on the subject - and other varieties of intimate relationships - fairly frequently. And with news that the polygamous stars of TLC's reality show Sister Wives are filing a lawsuit Wednesday against Utah to make their lifestyle legal, we thought we'd chime in on the subject. Here's what we each have to say about polyamory.

{He says} Polyamory can mean a lot of things, depending on the situation. A couple may incorporate a third (unicorn) into their already-strong relationship, or one member of the couple may maintain extra-curricular "dating" relationships outside of their main one. Further, relationships could hypothetically span a wide range of people, each having their own bond with one another. The trend, though, is not toward stability.

Because polyamory is only starting to spread, I hesitate to make a general statement about it that might offend its staunch supporters, but alas, I must be honest. The only successful long-term polyamorous relationships I've seen have been triads that start out as a solid companionship between two people. Every other aspect of polyamory that I've seen has been fleeting and temporary. That isn't to say that it can't happen, but the lifestyle lends itself more to exploration than longevity.

Personally, the thought of kindling another relationship on top of the one I already have makes my palms sweat. Maybe I'd feel differently if Dorkys wasn't such a handful. Who knows? As it is, I wouldn't turn down the opportunity to flirt and play with others together with no strings, but franchising the relationship would stretch my resources too thin.

{She says} My first thoughts when I hear about polyamorous relationships deal with jealousy. How don't the people involved feel threatened? I'm sure it could work, but only if every link in the chain is safe, honest and checks their ego at the door otherwise girls will end up crying when he spends more time with one instead of the other. Or at least I know I would.

I also wonder how deeply they can all love one another in the initial stages. Where do they find the time and energy it takes to build something meaningful in multiple relationships? I know some poly people feel restricted by idea that once you fall in love with someone, you're forbidden to feel the same for another person. I understand that, but at the end of the day, I like having my one go-to person and learning how to compromise and figure out the puzzle that is this sole relationship. Because I've no other choice (other than breaking up and finding someone else, of course), I'm forced to learn what makes him tick, what ticks me off and how we can become a better fit for each other. This isn't to say other things are off limits, just that at the end of it all, we'd rather just come home to each other.

Still, it's beautiful to see people pursuing and giving love with no qualms about what society deems appropriate or not and I admire their ability to put aside any insecurities to do so. The first time I attended one of their events, I smiled at the thought that everyone's just trying to find what suits them and makes them happy whether it'd be for the moment or something long-lasting. It's obviously not for everyone, but just because it's not doesn't mean it's wrong.

What do you think about polyamory? What would it take for a consensual non-monogamous relationship to truly work?

Images: informationisbeautiful.net and tacit.livejournal.com